I didn't quit my job.
I am ridiculous. I KNOW! But listen--I don't want to quit because quitting is for real. You can't quit and then un-quit if you change your mind. It's not like painting your toenails or dying your hair or posting a picture of a man in a bikini on your brother's Facebook page. You can't undo it! Once you quit your job, you quit your job. You're done. Unless your boss is Mother Theresa.
I know I'm supposed to leave. I am going to leave. My mom already has her flight out here, I've already registered for classes in Utah, there is already someone lined up to take my room.
But I can't do it! You guys, I am such a baby. I don't want to leave!
A big part of the problem, I've realized, is my feelings. I have so many feelings. TOO MANY FEELINGS. I must have been slipped an extra scoop of feelings from the feelings bucket in the pre-earth life, because I've never met anyone who feels as much as I do.
That's not to say I'm an emotional person. I keep my emotions in check. I like to believe I'm a composed, with-it kinda woman. I'm not the one sobbing over Finding Nemo or rocking back and forth in a corner because my fish died. I rarely cry in church; I hardly EVER cry in public. There was that one time in the LA airport when I found out I booked my flight for the wrong day, but that's a story for another time...
The feelings I'm talking about are the connections I make with people and with places and with experiences. I heap inordinate amounts of meaning onto everything. I develop love toward the strangest things: the smell of the metro tunnel; the daily bunny, squirrel, and deer sightings in my neighborhood; the rattle of the metro rumbling by our apartment every five minutes; the click of the lock on the front door; the bird stickers on my wall, the trees lining the street; the sunset from the Strathmore gazebo. And these are just the things! Imagine the feelings toward the people and places!
When I put down roots I put them down deep, which is a wonderful thing, when I'm laughing and loving and living in the moment. But when it's time to go, it's so painful to dig those roots up. It's like a literal ripping away. Remember when I left the Barlow last summer? There was physical pain.
So this move I'm about to make is gonna be a big one, because this past year has absolutely been the best year of my life. I have never been so happy. I have never had so much fun. I have never felt so loved and so supported. My roots have grown down down down, to the very bottom of the wellspring of life. How am I supposed to dig them up?
How am I supposed to quit my job?
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