Don't know when I'll be back again

Sometimes I wonder if I really am an adventurer at heart or if I'm just pretending.

It's easy to jot down your wildest dreams on that folded sheet of notebook paper you call your bucket list and tell people, "this is what I want to do with my life." But when those dreams actually start to take shape, when that  flight to Washington D.C. is a mere three days away, it's a little nerve-wracking. More than a little nerve-wracking, actually.

You think that I'd be ready to conquer the world after spending three months in Thailand. Sometimes it's hard to believe that I ever did that. I flew to a country on the other side of the world--my first time out of the U.S., by the way. I lived with a non-English-speaking family in the middle of nowhere. I navigated the city on rusty pick-up trucks. I browsed street markets by myself alone at night. I spent my days in a thatch-roof hut, sweat dripping down my legs as I strung beads into necklaces. I ate grasshoppers and pig skin for heaven's sake!

So why am I afraid to move to D.C? I'll be living with people I know--people my age with similar values and ambitions. And thankfully, people in D.C. speak English. And the metro seems a little bit more reliable than the pick-up trucks in Chiang Mai.  

I think maybe my biggest fear is probably failure. Failure to get into the swing of things at the rate I'm expected to. Failure to network successfully and find a job. Failure to adjust.  Failure to figure out my future.

Because guys. I literally have NO PLANS for my life after my internship. I always thought that I'd find a job out there on the East Coast--a good-paying one in my field of study. A job with friendly people and good opportunities for advancement. A place where I could make a difference. You know, change the world. 

Confession: Sometimes I just want to sit at home and read. I mean, nothing is stopping me from doing that. I could find a mediocre job here and spend my days lazing on the lawn with a book. It sounds nice. Comfortable. Why do I make my own life so difficult?

I don't know. But right now I'm trying to trust in this leap of faith and hoping that things pan out.

Wish me luck! Hopefully I don't end up on a park bench come August.